Opening Quotes
“Put simply, a believing mirror is a friend to your creativity—someone who believes in you and your creativity. We can consciously build believing mirrors to potentiate each other’s growth, to mirror a “yes” to each other’s creativity. In my experience we can benefit greatly from the support of others who share our dreams of living a fuller life… Often someone else’s breakthrough insight can trigger one of our own.” – Julia Cameron
“Even as we listen and incorporate the ideas of our mentors, we must slowly cultivate some distance from them.” – Robert Greene
“Two different characters are presented to our emulation; the one, of proud ambition and ostentatious avidity. The other, of humble modesty and equitable justice. Two different models, two different pictures, are held out to us, according to which we may fashion our own character and behavior; the one more gaudy and glittering in its coloring; the other more correct and more exquisitely beautiful in its outline.”– Adam Smith
“The mixed martial arts pioneer and multi-title champion Frank Shamrock has a system he trains fighters in that he calls plus, minus, and equal. Each fighter, to become great, he said, needs to have someone better that they can learn from, someone lesser who they can teach, and someone equal that they can challenge themselves against. The purpose of Shamrock’s formula is simple: to get real and continuous feedback about what they know and what they don’t know from every angle. It purges out the ego that puffs us up, the fear that makes us doubt ourselves, and any laziness that might make us want to coast. As Shamrock observed, ‘False ideas about yourself destroy you. For me, I always stay a student. That’s what martial arts are about, and you have to use that humility as a tool. You put yourself beneath someone you trust.'” – Ryan Holiday
Definitions
Role Model: A person looked to by others as an example to be imitated.
Mentor: A trusted counselor or guide.
Finding role models and mentors on one’s journey towards excellence is an exciting experience. Keeping those relationships healthy is a skill worth practicing, and luckily there are many resources for this. Twice-exceptional people in particular benefit from opportunities to work with mentors – not only to develop their areas of interest, but also to gain essential skills for employment.
As we strive for our own “personality ideal” within our education, careers and broader lives, the knowledge gained from looking at the lives of others – mentors, role models, characters in books (even anti-role models) – is invaluable. Surprisingly, recent studies show most of what is learned from mentorship is implicit knowledge. While explicit knowledge (the kind of knowledge that can be measured, documented, and shared) is present in a variety of instructional experiences, most knowledge gained from a mentor is difficult to express and sometimes impossible to articulate.
Blue Prints
When we spot an example aligned with our ideal future self (this seems especially true when we are young people), we often feel a magnetic pull of energy. We pay attention to the role model and begin to engage in “gifted mirroring.” This involves removing the mental spotlight off the self just long enough to move the self forward. Possibilities open up for our lives through examples. A third factor is introduced between ourselves and where we want to go. The striving mind latches on to these blueprints from others and shapes them into a ladder.
Funhouse Mirrors
“I hurt easy, I just don’t show it. You can hurt someone and not even know it. The next sixty seconds could be like an eternity.” – Bob Dylan
Most sensitive young people don’t make it through “gifted mirroring” without at least one “funhouse mirror” experience. It’s like that part in Hans Christian Andersen’s “The Ugly Duckling” when the swan meets the geese. Close, but not quite. Sometimes relationships go south and we see a very distorted version of ourselves reflected back. Maybe we sense competition or resentment from an older person who once seemed supportive? Or maybe our go-to friends aren’t interested in tackling a topic we love with the same intensity as us.
These lonely times are when books (especially biographies) serve as handy bridges between real life experiences. Disappointing relationships are also an opportunity to reflect on our role regarding the distorted mirror. When I teach about this topic with students, we like to address how to talk with mentors and teachers (the importance of listening, honoring boundaries of time and privacy, understanding different conflict styles, not taking things personally, and additional thoughts on being diplomatic and respectful).
Finding Multiple Guides
Finding a variety of helpful role models? Knowing how to make the most of their examples? Hidden Potential by Adam Grant offers several valuable insights:
- “Find a compass. You don’t need a map to start on a new route—you just need a compass to gauge whether you’re heading in the right direction. A good compass is a credible source that signals when you’re going off course.
- Seek multiple guides. Instead of relying on a single expert or mentor, remember that the best directions come from multiple guides. Ask them about the landmarks and turning points from their own journeys— and tell them about the roads you’ve taken so far. As they drop pins, you can piece them together into a route that works for you.”
“The goal is to get your guides to drop pins—the key landmarks and turning points from their climbs. To jog their memories of paths long forgotten, you might inquire about the crossroads they faced. Those could be skills they sought out, advice they took or ignored, or changes they made. It can also help to tell them about the roads you’ve taken so far. As they learn about your prior paths and current location, they may begin to notice avenues for progress that they didn’t think to point out originally.
The pins you gather won’t form an accurate map. Some won’t apply to you – one pin might lead you across a stream, and your bicycle makes for a terrible boat. Some may no longer apply at all – they’ll take you to a road that’s closed. You may end up doing plenty of loops before you find the right path. And your guides are likely to be unaware of bridges that have only recently been built.” – Adam Grant
I’d also like to offer this specific story from Julia Cameron’s “The Artist’s Way” concerning this topic:
“Film director Martin Scorsese developed, shaped, and fine-tuned the script for Schindler’s List – then gave the project to his friend Steven Spielberg, feeling the material should be his. This unballyhooed act of creative generosity finally gave Spielberg his shot at an Oscar as “a real director” – even though Scorsese knew it might cost him his own shot, at least this year. And yet, to read about it in the press, these men are pitted against each other, artist versus artist, like athletes from warring nations in our mini-wars, the Olympics. Hooey, again. Success occurs in clusters. As artists, we must find those who believe in us, and in whom we believe, and band together for support, encouragement and protection. I remember sitting in a hotel room twenty years ago with two then little known directors, Brian De Palma and Steven Spielberg. Scorsese, then my fiance, was off in France, and I was being consoled over take-away pizza by his two friends. Spielberg was talking about a film he longed to make about the UFO phenomenon. There was scant support for the project and Spielberg was discouraged—although the project itself excited him. What to do? De Palma encouraged him to follow his heart and make that piece of art. That movie became Close Encounters of the Third Kind. I tell this story not to drop names, but to make the point that even the most illustrious among our ranks as artists were not always illustrious and won’t ever be beyond the fears and doubts that are part of creative territory. These fears and doubts will always, for all of us, be something to move through with a little help from our friends.” – Julia Cameron
Thoughts on Being an Excellent Mentee
“The nine-time Grammy- and Pulitzer Prize-winning jazz musician Wynton Marsalis once advised a promising young musician on the mind-set required in the lifelong study of music: “Humility engenders learning because it beats back the arrogance that puts blinders on. It leaves you open for truths to reveal themselves. You don’t stand in your own way… Do you know how you can tell when someone is truly humble? I believe there’s one simple test: because they consistently observe and listen, the humble improve. They don’t assume, ‘I know the way.’ No matter what you’ve done up to this point, you better still be a student. If you’re not still learning, you’re already dying. It is not enough only to be a student at the beginning.” – Ryan Holiday
“According to Seneca, the Greek word euthymia is one we should think of often: it is the sense of our own path and how to stay on it without getting distracted by all the others that intersect it. In other words, it’s not about beating the other guy. It’s not about having more than the others. It’s about being what you are, and being as good as possible at it, without succumbing to all the things that draw you away from it. It’s about going where you set out to go. About accomplishing the most that you’re capable of in what you choose.” – Ryan Holiday
Optional Activity/Discussion Questions/Journal Activity:
- Who are you learning from, who are you teaching, and who is challenging you (opening quote)?
- Read the Davidson Guidebook on Mentoring (link below).
- Locate a gifted adult willing to speak about what it felt like to be different growing up.
- Brainstorm questions for them.
- Suggested questions below come from “When Gifted Kids Don’t Have All the Answers” by Judy Galbraith, M.A. and Jim Delisle, PhD
- Can you talk about your current profession, or avocation, or interests?
- How did you figure out what you wanted to do in life? When did you become involved with …?
- Can you talk about some of your experiences growing up? What was it like for you at your school(s)?
- Were you in any special programs? Did you receive any special instruction?
- How were you different from other kids? How were you similar to them?
- Who were your friends? Were friendships a problem for you?
- How did you get along with your siblings and parents?
- It’s been said by some gifted students that being gifted is something that doesn’t “pay off” until you’re grown up. As a kid, you’re only penalized for it. Is that true in your case? How can we help kids realize the benefits of being different at a young age?
- What other advice for gifted kids do you have?
Go Deeper/Resources:
- https://www.davidsongifted.org/gifted-blog/mentoring-for-gifted-middle-and-high-schoolers/
- https://www.davidsongifted.org/gifted-blog/mentor-relationships-and-gifted-learners/
- https://www.davidsongifted.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/03/Davidson_Guidebook_Mentoring_2021.pdf
- https://news.northwestern.edu/stories/2020/06/sharing-of-tacit-knowledge-is-most-important-aspect-of-mentorship-study-finds/
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