Opening Quotes
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one.'” — C.S. Lewis
“Friendship is the only cement that will ever hold the world together.” — Woodrow Wilson
“There is nothing on this earth more to be prized than true friendship.” — Thomas Aquinas
Socializing is a very complex human activity.
- How do we sort out the wide array of information that comes our way while in a conversation?
- How do we apologize when inevitable mistakes are made?
- Why do people with high verbal IQs ruminate and how did famous people in history deal with this?
This post will explore all of these.
Three Baskets
It’s helpful to sort incoming social information into three imaginary baskets (this idea comes from Dr. Ross Greene).
Basket A: Behavior that needs to be addressed immediately. Actions or words that threaten physical or emotional safety belong in this basket.
Relevant skills: Asking someone to stop, not tolerating bullying.
Basket B: Behavior that provides a learning opportunity. Maybe we will address the person later, but not disrupt the flow of a current activity. Maybe we need to gather our thoughts first and plan some of what we want to say.
Relevant skills: Consider journaling first. Plan what you might want to say in a natural manner. Let them know why the issue is important to you or why something needs to change. Don’t wait too long or the circumstance won’t seem relevant to the other person.
Basket C: What are we willing to overlook? Was it a one-time offense? Was the person having a bad day?
Relevant skills: It’s best if your basket C isn’t too big or too small. Aim for balance and assertiveness while letting things go.
Apologizing
When young people experiment with assertiveness and standing their ground, they may accidentally phrase words in a harsh way and later wish to apologize.
Conducting a good apology takes concentrated effort. In fact, a bad apology can sometimes make things worse. To explore this concept, I often give students examples of bad apologies and ask them to analyze what went wrong. Then, I offer a template for a good apology.
Common Non-Examples That DON’T Work:
“I’m sorry if/But…”
- “I’m sorry, but there are two sides to this story.”
- “I’m sorry, but I’m not the only one to blame here.”
- “I’m sorry, but you played a part in this too!”
This implies that the responsibility is shared and detracts from taking full accountability.
- “I’m sorry if you think I did something wrong.”
- “I’m sorry, but other people don’t overreact like you do.”
- “I’m sorry, but other people would’ve understood it was a joke!”
- “I’m sorry, but you started it!”
- “I’m sorry, but you know I’m right.”
- “I’m sorry if you were offended.”
- “I’m sorry if I didn’t do it correctly.”
These responses minimize the apology by adding excuses or shifting blame.
“I was just…”
- “I was just trying to be helpful.”
- “I was just trying to get you to calm down.”
- “I was just trying to get you to see my side!”
- “I was just explaining myself.”
These explanations can come across as justifications rather than genuine apologies.
“I’m sorry you feel that way.”
This shifts the focus to the other person’s feelings rather than addressing the actual issue or acknowledging your role in it.
“Ugh, fine! I’m sorry! Are you happy now?”
This response expresses frustration and resentment, undermining the sincerity of the apology.
A Real Apology
Do you want to have friends or do you want to be right? If you want to “be right,” that is fine. Simply realize others have the right to leave.
If you wish to work on your ability to apologize, consider this useful framework from neurodiversity consultant Amanda Morin:
- S is for Stand up.
- O is for Own it.
- R is for Respond differently.
- R is for Repair the damage.
- Y is for Yield to their feelings.
Make Things Right Instead of Worry?
Recent research suggests anxiety might actually be linked to higher intelligence in some cases. It has been found that high verbal intelligence in particular is connected to worry and overthinking (often about social events), while higher non-verbal intelligence (like problem-solving skills) are linked less to thinking about past events. Essentially, different types of intelligence and thinking patterns might be linked to emotional struggles.
If high verbal intelligence often leads to increased worry and overthinking, what’s a verbally intelligent person to do?
“The concept of a “rectify list” is not new.
Benjamin Franklin had one because he ran away from his brother. He also didn’t think he did enough to solve the problem of slavery in the constitution. He would write down his moral shortcomings and make a column for how to rectify them. One thing that came out of this, is when his brother died, he took care of his brother’s children.
Other greats from history – Leonardo da Vinci and Isaac Newton– had similar “make it right” lists or lists of moral failings.
Of course, if excessive rumination and ongoing struggles with friendships persist, it’s important to seek professional guidance rather than relying solely on these strategies.
Optional Journal Questions
- Think over the lesson about “Baskets” A, B, and C. What is in your Basket A (not tolerated)? Can you think of a time you learned from a circumstance or social blunder (Basket B)? How big is your Basket C? Too big? Too Small? Just right?
- Look at the “bad apology” examples. Have any of these ever happened to you? How did it feel?
- Concerning the “SORRY” acronym above, which one do you think is the hardest for people? Why?
- What do you think of eminent people in history having a “rectify list”? Is that surprising to you or do you think it motivated some of their accomplishments?
Go Deeper:
More from Dr. Ross Greene: https://elmtreeclinic.ca/handouts/Explosive%20Child/Explosive%20Child%20Handout%20School.pdf
Worry and Intelligence: https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0191886914005558
Big Life Journal Friendship Tips: https://biglifejournal.com/blogs/blog/help-children-navigate-friendship-challenges?srsltid=AfmBOop00C1KOYj1AYVrRYYDXQU3XjHj6MFh6wv4oH8MMD0nogk1I9Js
Posted in Social and Emotional Learning
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